Happy Couple

Early Holiday Greetings from your Fave Couple!  I know we only just met, Henry Rollins and I, but I have a feeling that in the three seconds I talked to him and shook his hand and ran a hand caressingly and creepily down his back (dang, he's got muscles) - during those three seconds I'm pretty sure he fell in love with me.  In fact, I think I am pregnant with his child.  You can get pregnant from caressing someone's unwilling back, right?

Anyway.

Do I look pregnant yet?

Yes, I am wearing the same outfit I wore to meet JR Ward.  It is my Meeting Famous People Outfit.  Although I added a borrowed jean jacket, jauntily thrown about my shoulders in a casual manner.  Also, My Baby Daddy is pretty short, but not as short as he looks in this picture.  I am just wearing Gigantic Sensible Shoes.

OK, that's it.  Just some afternoon name-dropping.  Peace!

No Human Male Could Write This Blog Post

I realize the week is almost over, but I am still reeling from my weekend adventures in Cincinnati.

In a word:

I'm the blurry one. 

That is not a word.  That is a picture.  BUT!  That is a picture of J. R. Ward.  It happened!!!  She signed copies of her newest Fallen Angels book (Rapture!)  for 300+ of her closest fans at a Barnes & Noble in Cincinnati, including Yours Truly.

This is what I imagine my first book signing will be like.  But with 300 fewer people.

Anyway, if you don't know what I'm talking about (as per usze), J. R. Ward writes the Black Dagger Brotherhood series and the related Fallen Angels series.  These books are, in a word, CRACK.  Honestly, you start reading one and you're all, well, I'll just see what Sarah is talking about, and then suddenly it's two weeks later and you don't know where the time as gone but there is a pile of increasingly-fat books covered with intense-staring men teetering on your bedside table and your cat moved to your neighbor's house.  (Does that sentence make it sound like the men are teetering on your bedside table?  Whatever, it could happen.)  These books, they are nuts.  She goes there, people.  Where does she go?  Wherever you imagine, while reading a book, that, no, she couldn't possibly...she does.

(And the books - especially the earlier ones - have this really strange mix of homophobia and homoeroticism that I find compellingly offensive/attractive.  Duality, people.  Anyway, she's grown into straight (ha) homoeroticism for her newest book, which is about two dude vampires who have ANGSTED OVER EACH OTHER for like six books.  Honestly, Bella and Edward have nothing on Qhinn and Blay.)

(And Ward's world has a language that looks a lot like English, but has a bunch of extra h's in it.  Look, just read them.  There's a glossary.)

OK, so what happened.  I was nervous that it would be sold out (apparently her last signing had 800 people there - that was for a BDB book), so my friend who is actually named Sarah and I got there at like 6:30 to get in line.  We were cold.  Fortunately, I am a pack rat and there were chairs and blankets in the trunk of my Sensible Camry, so we persevered.  We were nowhere near the front - that title went to the people who had gotten there THE NIGHT BEFORE - but we had no problem getting tickets.  We were also handed an instruction sheet that included the point:

• All gifts must go through Ms. Ward's Security Team. (you can't miss the guys in fedoras!)

This part was not a joke:

Fedora.  Mustache.  Joan Baez.

Despite all of this silliness, J. R. Ward was super-friendly and chatty with people.  She seemed to know a bunch of her fans from the world of J. R. Ward fandom (I believe they are called Wardens.  Yes.), and she had on a really cute jacket that she took off because it was hot.

She also curses.  A lot.  I loved it.  She said someone once asked her if she would ever write a children's book, and she said, "Have you read my fucking books?"  Which, interestingly, was exactly the same reaction she had to the question "Will there be sex in the next book?"

And her fans!  Ravenous for gigantic alpha vampire warriors!  I loved all of them instantly.  They asked her a million detailed questions about, OMG, I don't even know what.  And Ward cursed and answered most of them, but kept enough suspense that nobody knows what is going to happen in the next BDB book (except for hot man-vampire sex).

My fave part of the whole night, though, is when someone asked if there was any possibility of a television or movie deal.  Friends, the room.  It exploded!  Gasps and shouts and vile protestations!  And then, out of the hubbub, somebody shouted:

NO HUMAN MALE COULD EVER PLAY A BROTHER.

I'm not entirely convinced that the rest of the women in the room (author included) were fully aware that the characters are, in fact, fictional, but that is what makes the books so daggun cracktastic.  Filthy, cursing, smutty crack.  Love them.

Love those Brothers so much.

And thank you to My Friend Who Is Actually Named Sarah for the pictures.  Someday I will get my own picture-making device.

Here for the Right Reasons

Should I be detailing every step of this getting-published project?  Or should I just admit that I am watching Bachelor Pad?  In my defense, I do have my laptop open.

Why do I love this shit?  I mean, honestly.  OK, I don't love BP (although we're on an acronym basis), but I do love the Bachelor/ette.  I especially loved this last season with Emily (and not just because she was from WV, although my heart had a little thrill when I found out); there was not as much drama, just people trying to fall in love.  And confusing notions of masculinity which might explain why I will be single forever.  But, seriously.  Who are these dudes?  Where do they come from?  Why does the montage music always make them take their shirts off?

Also, why do they always wax their chest hair.  Fellas (all the fellas reading this blog), why are we doing this? 

Anyway, the Bach(s) is my fave reality show, and it can be yours too if you just let go of the notion that it is in any way real, and just watch the romance unfold.  It's sort of anthropologically interesting for a person who is not at all like these Greek system graduates.  (No hate there - I'm just saying I went to a school with no fraternities or sororities.)  Also, if you can survive bungee jumping off of a skyscraper, you can survive any problem in a relationship.  It's true.  There have been studies. 

But this obsession with Being There For The Right Reasons.  It makes things confusing, and that makes people take their shirts off.  Because it's a TV show, and it's a game, but it's also love and marriage which is sacred and so we cannot admit that it's a prize on a TV show and also if you are gay you can't have it.  (There's a lot to parse in that sentence.  I'm just going to move on.)  And, so, even though we know in real life that love is hard to find and to maintain, we still like the illusion that it is somehow simple enough that with the right sparkle gowns and helicopter rides, it can still happen.  But if anyone even remotely smells like they are playing the game (which, aren't they all?  The Game of Love?), that person is swiftly kicked to the curb.

I also like watching the men get all competitive and cat-fighty.  I mean, it really does some solid work for breaking down the gender dichotomy.

But that's for another time.  For now, everybody take your shirt off!  It's time for a montage!